And Yet Again

No, Brian was not angry at me. He is now. Because I was upset since every time I make plans to hang out with him he finds something else to do. I find time for him and come to Belle Plaine because I really want to see him and he always has some other thing he'd rather do... and I know that I always tell him far ahead of time that I plan to hang with him. Then the other night he didnt call me back when i left him texts and a voicemail, so I thought he was ignoring me or putting me on or just dropping me flat. So when Amanda got him to squeeze in a "whole five minutes" I was still a little upset with him... but then this known whore came up to his apt and wanted to talk to him in his room. Amanda said she thinks she was trying to get him to make us leave... I just generally don't like the idea of him hanging around a whore. I know its not my business but I'm sorry if I consider myself to be higher quality...I know I might not be as skinny but im clean... I don't just have sex with everything that has a penis. So I was pissed that his plans that caused me to not hang out with him involved her and MOSTLY because he was basically ignoring me. I sent him a text saying that if he didnt care about me he should just say so because I was already hurting enough...he didnt respond so I sent him one saying that I guessed he didnt care and that I hoped he'd had fun screwing the whore chick... So now instead of being comforting and saying "there, there, you do matter and yes i care about you" hes saying "youre obsessive, i dont want to talk to you again." which pisses me off, but at the same time i definitely dont want to lose him. It's totally not even like that. I definitely dont like the idea of him having sex with other girls, but mostly i just dont want to be phased out. I want him to pay attention to me and respond to me and actually want to hang out with me. Because this is slowly turning into another Craig thing. He said in the beginning that I was too cute to ignore....which while incredibly sweet (and making me blush) was apparently not entirely true. I'm so torn between moving on, working it out, and giving up on love all together that all I really want is to lay in bed and curl up in a ball for a month or two.

Disaster Again

I think Brian is mad at me. We had sex last night and then this girl who everyone says is a whore called and wanted to come up and have sex with Brian's friend. Brian asked if she was gonna have sex with both of them and if not she wasn't coming up. It made me upset because I really like him a lot...and he just had sex with me - so why does he need to have sex with her, too? He was really fuckin wasted, though, so who's to say that he wasn't still. Although, who's to say he even wants me anymore. He got in my pants...maybe I was wrong and that was all he wanted. I wrote him a message on myspace and he read it but didn't respond. I called his cell phone and it rang twice, which means he sent it to voicemail purposely. I left him a message and he still hasn't called me back. I think maybe it's over between us. I don't want it to be, but if he wants it to be, I can't prevent it ending.

Amanda said she found me someone better...but I don't think I'm interested. I still like Brian too much... and if this doesn't work out, it further proves that I should take a break from males... too much pain in a smallish amount of time.